17 Years Ago

Today is a very special day, because it marks the 17 year anniversary of the day I met my wonderful husband Randy. We were the very young age of 18 when we met on our way to a Baptist Student Union retreat with a group of students from Campbell University in Buies Creek, NC. Funny how when we got onto the school vans that day we had no clue that we'd meet the person we'd spend the rest of our lives with. I still remember what I was wearing that day... nothing special, but I remember. On our way to the location of the retreat, where we slept on church floors (ouch!), we stopped at someone's parent's house to eat, and that's where we met. Near a pool table I believe. He and his roommate and me and my roommate. And a friendship began. The four of us hit it off and ended up spending most of the retreat together. We had some hilarious times that weekend. Shannon and I returned back to school thinking that we had met our 2 newest best friends... and how excited we were to think they weren't interested in anything but friendship! I pictured all of the fun things we'd all do together, and was relieved that there was no pressure to date.

Well, we girls were mistaken. It didn't take long for Randy and his roommate to make their move. Funny thing was that they indicated that either one of them would be interested in going out with either one of us. How's that for romantic? A hilarious week ensued, and fortunately for me, Randy and I ended up going out that following Friday, January 29th on our first date. And I fell asleep. But only because I was so exhausted from hanging out with him all week already! We ate Chinese food. We went to see "A Few Good Men" (where I fell asleep). We rode in Randy's old truck that sounded more like an airplane than a vehicle...we had to yell to talk to each other in it! And six weeks later we were talking about the possibility of getting married one day.

Oh, how young and silly we were. But there's something very sweet and innocent about those days. Our entire adult lives were ahead of us. We had dreams for the future and we wanted to spend that future together. We had no idea what lay ahead. And we still don't. But God blessed me beyond words that January 22nd, 17 years ago, when we gave me the honor of meeting such a wonderful man. I love Randy with all of my heart. I certainly don't deserve the beautiful life and marriage that we share. He is a Godly man, who loves the Lord more than anything, and spends each day serving me and his 3 sons. I am humbled that God chose someone so special for me. I wouldn't want to live a day without him.

Randy, I can't adequately express to you how thankful to God I am that 17 years ago I began this journey with you. You are simply wonderful. In every way. You make me laugh. You make me feel safe. You love me well. You love our boys well. Happy "Beginnings" Anniversary! We've only just begun to live the life God has called us to. I am so thankful that you are the person I will share it with. Thank you for being you...I love you always.

(Picture is from our 13th Anniversary, June 2008 - not 17 years ago. Picture from back then would have involved bigger hair and big glasses. Not so pretty!)

What God Has Done

God has done so much for me. I don't even know how to adequately describe all that He has done. He has saved me from eternal separation from Himself. He has saved me from myself. He has saved me from much of what this world has to offer. I am overwhelmed today by His saving mercy. Almost 9 years ago, I started down a path of complete destruction. I veered off the path of following Christ, and began following my own wants and desires in order to fill an emptiness within... places unhealed. And I ended up so far down in a pit of destruction that I saw no way to ever get out, much less be healthy or whole. I wanted my life to end, because it no longer had any value in my eyes. And the pain of the life I made for myself was almost unbearable. And then Jesus came. Wow. Even typing those words, I can once again feel the depth of His embrace of me in my darkest, most painful hour. He came... for me. And pulled me up out of the pit of darkness and despair. And every day, every hour, oftentimes every minute, He reminded me of His love for me and of my value to Him. How overwhelming. I had nothing to offer, and found out that He knew that already, and wasn't needing me to offer anything anyway. I was desperate for His grace, and He gave it in abundance. I was desperate for His mercy, and it was vast. I was desperate for Him to heal me, and He cleansed every wound. I was desperate to be whole, and He filled me to overflowing.

That process with Him began 6 years ago this month. My life has not been easy during that time... MUCH transition, much loss, much seeking, but He continues to come. My walk with Him has had some of the most beautiful times I have ever known. And there have been days when I didn't know how to complete a sentence in prayer. But I stand amazed in His presence this morning... longing for more of Him, longing for His touch, His presence, His peace to fill my heart, His vision for my life. I long to know Him, and to share Him with others. I long to be a voice that cries out of His grace and mercy, so that others may know and believe that it is available to them too. I long to fill His tender embrace today, and to offer it to my husband, my children, and to anyone I can.

Jesus is enough. He is enough for our pain, for our fears, for our questions. He came to heal us. By HIS wounds we are healed, the scripture says. He came to make us free. I choose freedom. It is mine, and I feel it to my bones today. I want to become ever-more free as I walk with Him.

De-Clutter

This past Saturday was spent in de-clutter mode. We had been home a week from traveling to NC after Christmas, but still had Christmas decorations up, suitcases and other stuff to unpack, and other clutter all over the house. You couldn't even see the floor of our garage. It was a mess. I was threatening to go live somewhere else until the clutter went away. And I was overwhelmed. I hate clutter. I don't function well in it. I can't think clearly. And I easily feel like it's too much to deal with. So, for days we had tried to pretend the clutter wasn't there. Then Saturday came - our day to de-clutter. And clean after the de-cluttering. I felt overwhelmed about it all. But Randy assured me we could get it done. So, we began. And a few hours into it, I started to believe we might actually make some headway. Christmas decorations down. Check. Suitcase unpacked. Check. Laundry put away. Check. Randy clearing garage floor. Check. Vacuuming. Check. And on it went. And by Saturday night, I was loving where I live again, and feeling mentally free. The clutter was gone. Trash bags were filled with things to get rid of. Donations were made to a local charity. I didn't feel overwhelmed anymore. It was great.

It got me thinking about myself. How much clutter fills me and distracts or distances me from God? My guess is that it's a lot more than I usually realize. But at the same time, I often feel it, and get frustrated at why I don't feel closer to God, more connected to Him, more intimate in my walk with Him. And then I see it... the clutter. The to-do lists running through my head, the expectations I put on myself to be and do certain things as a wife, mom, & minister, mindless television, fear, pride, insecurity, busyness, etc., etc. The clutter of my life. And with all of that clutter, I miss out on true LIFE. The life I want and long for. Not just getting through the day life, but the real, true abundant life promised to me by a loving, merciful God. So, I must not only de-clutter what I can see around me, but ask God to de-clutter the internal parts of who I am. I know He's not overwhelmed by the task, but I also realize that He will have to do what I had to do Saturday... get rid of stuff. And that often hurts - at least temporarily. The things that I so come to depend on that feel comfortable to me can often be the things that keep me from having all that He desires for me.

I want to be de-cluttered. I am scared to be de-cluttered. But I need it. So I ask God to de-clutter me. Get rid of what keeps me from all that you have for me. Fill me with You. Fill me with You. Fill me with You.

Breaking Free!

I just started the updated Bible study Breaking Free this morning by Beth Moore, and I am really excited about the journey ahead. I did the original Breaking Free many years ago, but much has happened in my own life in those years and I am excited to hear it once again and let God speak to me about places in my life that are in bondage... those I may be aware of and those that I have no clue about. God set me free from a period of sin 6 years ago, and 3 years ago He asked me to start sharing that freedom with others. It has been a roller coaster as I've tried to follow Him in that, but I have seen Him use my story and my healing to encourage others. But with that desire to share and be open and encourage others, also comes attack and oppression from the enemy. I felt that intensely all of last year, and couldn't shake it. So I am here today to break free from the oppression of the enemy and to be rejuvenated in my walk with God. Last year was a very difficult year for me spiritually, one that brought many questions and frustrations. I am desperate for 2010 to be different. And already 2010 is throwing my life some curveballs. But with those curveballs, also comes a renewed sense of urgency in my walk with Him and a desire to continue proclaiming the message of freedom God has given me, and a desire to pursue freedom even deeper and broader in my own heart and life.

I want freedom.... spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically. I believe with all my heart this will be a lifelong pursuit and journey... I will never arrive at any type of perfection in any of those areas... but I want God to be ever healing and restoring me in ALL areas of my life. I want it. I need it. And I am excited to pursue it this year, once again, fresh and anew. I want to have something to say to people. I want to have something to offer to others. I want my life to count... to make a difference... to offer hope. No waste of anything - good and bad!

Today the journey begins. Give me some freedom!!!

My Sweet Ones

2 days of blogging in a row! it's the christmas miracle!

anyway, before i get too corny, which is totally possible this morning considering that we're living in freezing conditions and my brain feels somewhat frozen, and i've listened to brennan cough for hours now and i'm starting to hear the coughing sounds in my head (poor guy), and i just started dieting and exercising yesterday and my body is in shock, i would like to share some recent pics of our family, and my sweet boys...

Here We Go Again!

Well, it's January 5th, and the start of a new year. I can't really believe that it's a new year - let alone the year 2010. But it is. And here I am, ready to start some things fresh. And one of those things is to maybe blog again. Not sure if I'm committing to it wholeheartedly, but I want to at least give it a try. For some reason I feel very "bloggy".

I think it would be good for me to chronicle some things about my boys lives that I will probably forget in the craziness of living life, and to journal about what God is doing in my life. And, I desperately want to have some things to share in that area... I'm wanting a fresh word from Him this year. I am longing for a deeper, closer walk with Him, and the passion that He gave me several years ago to be reignited. It's been a crazy year and a half... with much of my time and attention and focus being around having children...trying to get pregnant, or grieving the loss of a baby I'll never know this side of heaven, or trying to get pregnant again, giving birth, and presently enjoying the first months of my precious baby boy's life. So, as I put that pregnancy season behind me, I am praying for God to speak some new things into my life and to open doors of opportunity for me to be used by Him in the coming months. I'm still in somewhat of a "baby lock-down" mode since He's such a little guy, and the weather outside is frightful (and the fire is non-existent), but I know I don't have to leave this house for God to do a new work within me, so that is what I'm asking Him for.

So, I'm going to try to blog again - not sure when in the world I'll find time to do it between nursing the baby, the 50 loads of laundry I seem to be doing each week, and the other things on my plate, but hopefully I'll start putting my thoughts, God's work, and my reflections on motherhood down on this computer and see what happens. Even if nobody reads it, it will be for me.

My prayer verse for 2010:

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

God, I ask you to do a new thing in me this year. Take the desert places and make a way for You to shine through and be glorified... take the wasteland and let is flow with Your living water. Thank you for what You will do. I love you!

Happy New Year!